C.H.I.M.P.S.: Clowns Of The Corn
Story and characters © October 22, 2016 by Joshua J. Weremonkey
In this episode the secret agents are unknowingly diverted to a private party on Halloween to the mansion of the mysterious Smiles The Clown.
Characters in this story:
Jake Walker, secret agent
Jimmy Wolfe, secret agent
Smiles The Clown, mysterious eccentric
Ant, sidekick of Smiles The Clown
Krampus, ancient, evil horned half goat, half demon
Max, kid imprisoned inside the snow globe world of Krampus
Secret agents Jake Walker and Jimmy Wolfe got an urgent message to report to C.H.I.M.P.S. headquarters immediately. It was a chilly, dark night on October 30th, 2016 when Jake started up his gray pickup truck as Jimmy hopped in the passenger side. They drove down the winding two lane blacktop road trying to get to headquarters quickly but as safely as possible.
"Geesh it's getting really hard to see very far ahead with this mist." Jake said as he switched on the high beams.
"Yeah, it's a totally creepy night to be out driving around, just before Halloween and all too." Jimmy added.
"It doesn't make any sense to be having an urgent meeting right now. I bet the other agents have a surprise Halloween party going on when we get there."
"No doubt Jake. Will be a lot of fun if that's what's going down. Trouble is I didn't bring a costume with me."
"Neither did I," Jake replied as he looked over at Jimmy as he had one of his legs propped up on the dashboard of the truck, "You can always weremonkey out on them Jimmy. You already got those hairy legs starting pretty good there. Ha Ha!"
"Hey now Jake! That's normal hairiness for me. Plus there's no moon out."
"Maybe we should stop by the Dollar General and grab a pack of razors then. Ha Ha. I'm just kidding. You know I love your leg fur."
Jake kept driving down the misty road. The headlights caught quite a few Trump for president signs stuck in lawns along the way. Jake shook his head and thought to himself, "I can't wait until all this election madness is over with." Soon all that could be seen for miles were rows of endless cornfields along both sides of the road.
Suddenly, the truck headlights caught a dark figure jumping out from the corn on the other side of the road. It was dressed in a creepy clown costume. Jake steadied both of his hands on the steering wheel as he drove by.
"Oh my God, Jake did you see that?"
"Yeah, it must be someone dressing up as a clown trying to scare people. The ones on the news."
"He is gonna get his stupid ass run over by someone if he keeps jumping out towards the road like that."
Just as Jake said that another clown popped out of the corn. This time right onto the road ahead of the truck. Jake turned the steering wheel away from the clown so not to hit it. The left front tire hit a drainage ditch on the side of the road and the truck plowed into the cornfield. The seat belts kept Jake and Jimmy's heads from hitting the dash but they were shaken up.
"Are you okay Jimmy?"
"Yeah, I think so. Are you?"
"Yeah, I'm okay Jimmy. The truck's tire is toast though. Looks like we are stuck."
Jake looked down at his cellphone and saw there were no bars for signal, "Do you have any signal on your cell Jimmy?"
"No. This totally sucks. Freakin' clowns!"
"We will have to walk back to the road. Hopefully someone will be driving by."
Jake and Jimmy walked through the cornfield back onto the road. In the mist several yards away, they saw a young kid crouching down on the center line of the road. He was next to a deer that had gotten run over in the road.
"What's that little kid doing way out here in the middle of nowhere Jake?"
"No idea. He's acting very weird."
When Jake and Jimmy got closer they saw the kid was shirtless and had deer antlers attached to the top of his head. He jumped up and ran into the cornfield.
"Holy crap! Did you see him Jake?"
"Yeah. This whole night is getting stranger and stranger. Next thing we will get sucked into the upside down like Will Byers on that Netflix show Stranger Things."
"Don't even say that Jake. At this point I would not doubt anything happening."
Out of the mist further down the road, Jake and Jimmy saw the headlights of a car coming. They jumped up and down waving frantically for the car to stop. It slowed down. The car was bright red with tinted windows. The windows slowly rolled down but Jake and Jimmy could not see who was inside. They saw a white gloved hand pop out holding a clown horn and it beeped at them.
"Beep! Beep! You boys shouldn't be out on this the road on such a nasty night. Get in. I will drive you to where you need to go."
"Umm, that's okay. We are fine." Jake declined.
"But I insist!" The driver yelled out as the back door on the car swung open and six long mechanical clown arms snatched Jake and Jimmy pulling them into the car. The mechanical clown arms held Jake and Jimmy into the seat firmly, "Buckle up boys. Safety first. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. Ha Ha Ha!" Jake and Jimmy saw a clown with a permanent smile pasted onto his face in the drivers seat and The Boy with the antlers in the passenger seat.
The clown's car sped down the road with no concern for the poor driving conditions. Soon the car had left the road completely and was flying up into the air. The clown switched on the car stereo. Metallica's song "Moth Into A Flame" blasted out loudly out from the speakers. There was hurricane force wind, rain and lightning pounding all around the car. All Jake and Jimmy could hear was the loud heavy metal music.
"Time to turn on the wipers." The clown calmly said as human hands with bony fingers wiped across the windshield.
"Oh my God Jake, do you see those wiper things?"
"Yup but I sure wish I didn't."
"Haven't ya seen windshield wipers like these before boys? Gotta give them a hand. A big thumbs up. Ha Ha Ha!" The clown giggled along with his little antlered friend.
The clown shifted the skull gearshift knob. The car swooped down out of the hurricane and flew directly above the endless rows of corn. Soon the car landed in a gigantic clearing in the center of the cornfields. The mist and bad weather had all cleared too. It was like they were in the calm eye of a hurricane. Just ahead was a beautiful mansion in black with spires that looked like giant corn stalks. It was surrounded by a moat of red water with multi colored balloons floating in it.
"Welcome to your new home boys!" The clown said, "I apologize for not introducing myself earlier. My name is Smiles. Smiles The Clown as they call me and you have already had the pleasure of meeting my partner The Boy with the antlers. His name is Ant. I have watched your adventures as secret agents and have taken a great interest in you. We could all greatly benefit from each other."
"Not happening clown boy! You can't just snatch us and force us to do your bidding." Jake yelled out.
"Well, actually I just did. And you will cooperate or else!"
Ant poked Jimmy with his antlers and cut his neck.
"Ouch! What the hell?" Jimmy screamed out in pain and fell to the ground holding his tummy.
Ant grinned evilly and held up a bottle labeled poison.
"Yes, Jake Walker secret agent, you will do my bidding. You see his antlers were coated with a deadly poison just before he scratched your precious Jimmy's neck. Some Neosporin and a band-aid is not gonna help with that. So follow me inside my mansion and we shall discuss how you WILL obey me."
"Okay! Okay! Just don't let my Jimmy die."
"Don't help him Jake. I will be fine."
"There's no way I’m losing you Jimmy. Smiles go ahead save him. Please! I will do anything!"
"Okay, my dear Ant, go ahead and administer the antidote and save his little friend. As you Jake Walker, if you dare cross me, I will not hesitate to crucify Jimmy in the most painful way possible."
Ant obeyed his masters commands and healed Jimmy. Ant proudly ran over to Smiles and gently tickled him on the tummy with his antlers making him cheerfully giggle. Ant kissed Smiles on the cheek and hugged him tight. Smiles kissed the top of Ant's head then motioned for Jake and Jimmy to walk on bridge over the moat towards the mansion. Out of the moat a dragon flew up with a kid riding it. The kid waved at Smiles The Clown and the dragon breathed out fire in salute.
"That's Pete. He guards our mansion with his flying dragon. Another reminder Jake and you too Jimmy, you will burn if you cross me."
Jake and Jimmy walked into the mansion with Smiles The Clown and Ant. The first thing they saw was a gigantic clown statue in the entrance way. The interior walls were painted in bright colors in stark contrast to the black exterior of the mansion. It was a place any clown would be proud to call home. A small army of young actors were happily playing around in the main hall. It almost looked like a Hogwarts for kid actors. Some were playing video games. Some where watching movies. Some were practicing their lines for a possible upcoming movie. They all were smiling and cheerful just like their head master Smiles The Clown.
"Let me explain why I had to bring you here. Some of the clown sightings you read about in the news were set up by me to generate interest in the movie I'm making called "Clowns Of The Corn" Of course some idiots decided to copy this so I stopped. All the young actors you see here were invited by me to star in the movie. We filmed it. It was so much fun. I liked them being around here so much I didn't want them to go. They all love it here and don't ever want to leave either so I summoned Krampus to create a storm around the mansion to keep the outside world away."
"You can't just do that Smiles! These kids have lives and families. And of all things to summon, Krampus, oh my God Smiles!"
"I do what I wish! I hacked into your secret agent alert system and sent an urgent message for you and Jimmy to report to headquarters. I knew it would have you driving near the edge of the storm so I could get you to ummm help."
"Why didn't you just ask us to help instead of this elaborate plan to snatch us and bring us here?"
"That's my style. My mind tends to work towards the theatrical. Plus I wanted to so stop with all your dumb questions! Now do you swear on your code as secret agents to help?"
"We should help him Jake."
"Yes, Jimmy. okay I will help too Smiles. You need us to get rid of Krampus right?"
"I figured you would offer to help of your own free will, fine, upstanding secret agents that you are. Ha Ha Ha! Actually, surprise, I brought you here as an offering to Krampus to totally seal the deal to keep the outside world away. And to think all he requires are two sacrifices to keep the storms going. So get ready to kiss your little bums goodbye!"
"Oh just great, we just made a deal with the devil. Run, Jimmy run!"
Jimmy ran down the long hallway of the mansion with Jake right behind. They ducked into a room to find a place to hide. Standing inside was a little kid dressed in a scarecrow outfit with a burlap sack over his face and buttons for eyes. A jack-o-lantern with an evil grin and candle burning inside was on the nightstand. On the wall were a bunch of sayings in blood red paint. The kid lifted his finger gloved hand and pointed to one that read, "Sam says Trick'r'Treat!" He wagged his finger back and forth like he was telling Jake and Jimmy naughty, naughty. His hand popped off and started crawling towards Jake and Jimmy. Seeing this they ran out of the room and back down the hall with the kid's bloody hand crawling after them.
Jake and Jimmy quickly ducked into another room. A boy started walking towards them.
"Hi, I'm Lukas! What am I doing? Hi, I'm Elias! What's Lukas doing? Are you our Mommy?"
"Who are you talking too kid? I can't see anyone else here and I'm sure as hell not your Mommy!" Jake yelled.
"Mommy! Mommy!" The boy shouted as he walked towards Jake and Jimmy starting a fire in the room.
Jimmy screamed and ran out of the room with Jake right behind. They ran into another room and hid under a staircase. On the other side of the room appeared a few boys watching creepy clips on the wall from an old movie projector.
"Come out, come out, wherever you are. I'm Milo and if you tell anyone, we'll kill you first, and then your whole family, and we'll watch the film over and over and over."
"Yeah, I'm Caleb and I will be KNOWING if you tell!"
"Oh my God, this place is like the haunted mansion from hell!" Jimmy yelled as he and Jake scampered up the stairs. On the door at the top were the words "Dead Inside." Jake opened the door anyway. A big baseball bat covered with barb wire slammed into the wall just missing splitting open Jake's head.
"Jake be careful!" Jimmy shouted as he saw a bunch of kids appeared in the new room they entered. One had a sheriff's hat and a patch over his eye and he spoke first.
"I'm Carl Grimes. Y'all best watch out for Lucille and those nasty Walkers too! They will try to eat your pudding!"
"I'm Dalton Gray. Beware of insidious dinosaurs too! Especially the T-Erectus. Ha Ha Ha!"
"I'm Noah Byers. Yes, lots of Stranger Things will happen in Smiles The Clown's awesome mansion."
All the rest of the boys in the room argued back and forth trying to convince Jake and Jimmy to come with them.
"I'm Levi Pan. Fly off with me to Neverland!"
Jake and Jimmy started listening to the band too. They were drawn into the hypnotizing heavy metal sound. When the song ended, Jake and Jimmy heard loud clapping then a familiar clown horn squeak directly in back of them.
"Don't you just wanna stay here forever and ever and ever?" Smiles The Clown asked with his arm around Ant.
"Not to be rude but it's time we got home," Jake replied.
"This is your home. You float with us now. Want a balloon?" Smiles The Clown said as he let a balloon float towards Jimmy.
"Don't touch it Jimmy!"
The bright red balloon sparkled and shined. Jimmy was under its spell and could not resist reaching for it. Just before Jimmy could touch the balloon IT popped and Jimmy disappeared. Smiles held up his white gloved hand and showed Jake a snow globe. Jake looked inside and saw Jimmy's face.
"Oh my God, Smiles! What did you do to Jimmy? He's stuck inside that snow globe!"
"All I wanted was to have all my favorite actors and friends here with me in my funhouse mansion. That's all they want too. Ask any of them. Now with your precious Jimmy here, you have no choice but to stay and float too."
"Gimme that snow globe now Smiles!"
"So you chose to fight me to the bitter end Jake Walker! Very well, as you wish, it shall be your bitter end. Oh Krampus buddy. I have someone who refuses to get into the holiday spirit."
A fierce, howling wind with snow started inside the room. All the kids quickly scattered away. A sleigh appeared with a huge figure with white fur and horns riding inside. Krampus got out of the sleigh and stared menacingly at Jake. Krampus stomped towards Jake and snorted. His hooves made enormous footprints in the accumulating snow.
"Sorry Jake. You really should had chosen to stay. I truly wanted you to but I can't force you against your free will. Sadly, I have no control at this point. Krampus does. I hope your death is quick and painless yet I doubt it."
Jake stood bravely before Krampus with his eyes wide open and ready for battle. Krampus easily picked up the several hundred pounds lighter Jake and solidly slammed him into a snow bank. Jake jumped up purely on adrenaline. He tried to run but slipped and fell back onto the snow bank right onto his bum. Krampus snorted again and ran at Jake as he lay helpless on the snow bank. Jake felt an intense burst of pain as the icy horn of Krampus jabbed into the center of his chest directly into his heart. Jake laid there holding his hand over the deep wound trying to stop the blood. Soon, Jake was having trouble breathing. He looked up to see a snow flake land on his nose. It was a wonder but he could feel the wetness of the snow flake melting on his nose even being in such horrific pain. Jake looked up one last time. Krampus smashed the snow globe with Jimmy inside over Jake’s head finishing him off.
Jake awoke inside the snow globe world with Jimmy's arms wrapped tightly around him.
"I'm so glad to see you Jake!" Jimmy said excitedly while kissing Jake on the lips.
"I'm so glad to see you too Jimmy. I thought I was dead. Where are we?"
"You are stuck inside the snow globe world with us Jake." A boy that was also in the snow globe began to explain, "My name is Max and Krampus imprisoned me a long time ago. He has placed a lot of souls in this snow globe and other ones like it. Souls that are family or close end up in their own world together. All the globes are all kept on shelves in his lair in hell. I did find a way to move between all the snow globe worlds and help as a guide. That's why I am here right now. Sadly I have yet to find a way to escape completely."
"It's okay as long as we are together Jake."
"It sure is Jimmy."
"Don't lose hope of somehow getting out of here guys. The veil between the worlds will be paper thin around Christmas. I will return to your world around then. Meanwhile see if you can come up with any ideas. I know you are super smart secret agents and are very special. Krampus may end up being very sorry for putting you in here." Max said.
"Well, it's a long time until Christmas. Hmmm, besides thinking about how to get the hell out of hell, what should we do until then Jimmy?"
"I don't have any idea on how to get out of here but I do have loads of ideas on how we can pass the time." Jimmy teased as he turned into a weremonkey, "I'm ready to Howl now Jake! AaaaroooOOO!"
"Oooo, take me now, you hot weremonkey boy!"
"On that thought, I'm outta here. Enjoy guys. Ha Ha Ha! Max over and out."
Check back around Christmas for further adventures. Meanwhile everyone have a Happy Howl-O-Ween!